What do you do when you don’t know what to do?
One of the scariest feelings I experience is when I am asked “What should we do?” or “What would you do?” and there is an expectation that I should know what to do; and I don’t. What do I say “I don’t know” or do I play for time and spout some b*****t and hope my lack of knowledge is not exposed? Reflecting on this uncomfortable and oft repeated experience I am led to some questions:
1. Where does the expectation come from? The person asking, myself or both?
2. Where does the feeling of fear come from? What am I scared of? Who am I scared of?
Pondering these questions I have the fleeting impression that my fear comes from me. I am afraid of disappointing myself. It is me that I am scared of. Then the impression is replaced by a conscious process of looking for evidence that proves that it can’t be me – it must be someone else making me feel scared - and to feel better I have to shift the blame from myself. Oooooo … that’s a bit of an “Eureka” moment! And now have a new choice. Choose to behave like of a victim of myself and shift the blame; or choose to address the problem – my deep fear of part of myself. Phew! I feel better already - I have a new opportunity to explore …
this is indeed a revelatory insight and sets-up what Stephen Covey would call a “private victory”
so what strategies might one employ to ensure the range of choice (the gap between stimuls and response) remains wide?
one strategy is to simply say: “i don’t know, can i have some time to think about it and get back to you” – of course making sure you keep that promise.
another strategy is to reply “would you mind if i think aloud for a couple of minutes” and then proceed in a way that engenders a joint inquiry between you and the person asking the initially challenging question
any others you can think of?
I often use outrageous analogy to loosen thinking in me and others. I’ll say “how would the airline industry look at this? or the CofE General Synod? or Private Eye?” just to provoke a laugh and creative thinking amongst us all. I also say a lot “I don’t know, but lets just give it a go, suck it and see, pilot, experiment” meaning we do not have the polished answer right now but lets do something, however small to learn more. Finally, I read a great quote yesterday: the most important aspect of a problem is your attitute towards it.